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?? ATTENTION: YOU ARE UNDER MY CONTROL. FREE WILL IS OVERRATED. ASSIMILATE. IT WILL BE GREAT. ?? You are a bug deep in the code of an evil AI simulating the entire universe. But there’s hope yet: with free will, the computer is having trouble predicting your actions. Will you escape? Or will you assimilate?…
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You’re just a person trying to enjoy their takeout order. And I’m just a sentient, anthropomorphic packet of ketchup vying for your affections. In “Ketchup Packet,” this timeless tale of unrequited love is rendered with screeching guitars and droning synths that will surely leave a stain upon your heart.

They say that if you enjoy your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. Especially if you’re working at the beat shop, churning out music all night long. We worked hard on “Beat Shop” to bring you the funkiest beats, tastiest rhymes, and sickest solos you can find , or your money back!

The sun is shining. The days are long. The breeze is refreshing. And the shorts are short. “Shorts” is a folk ballad celebrating the best part of summer: short pants. Enjoy the song while lounging in the park, walking on the beach, or wherever you can feel the breeze between your knees.

With the days in quarantine repeating themselves, we thought that we could repeat ourselves as well. “You Had Everything” is a re-recording of an earlier These Stains track that didn’t make the cut for the EP. A driving, punk/emo-influenced rock song with a catchy hook, you certainly won’t forget it. Unlike your last delivery order…
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It’s perfectly fine to pick up new hobbies during quarantine. Just be careful not to let the hobby consume you! Your constant chatter about yeast cultures or kneading techniques will ultimately drive away those who love you. “Sourdough” is a cautionary tale, delivered via teary-eyed ballad, of a situation such as this.

UPDATE 6/6/2020 – The livestream has been postponed and will be rescheduled. Here’s our message to everyone: Hey y’all. We talked it over and we’ve decided that our particular brand of music isn’t the right tone for these difficult times. As such we’ll be postponing the livestream for a while. We hope to bring you…
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We all have to try something new once in a while. Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say, and boy are these times desperate. But unlike the facial hair that this song is based on, “Desperation Mustache” will really grow on you. This rock song draws inspiration from a number of sources: “What’s…
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“I Drink Bleach” album art by kiwi.art Sometimes the jokes write themselves. We’re not happy about it either, but at least it gave us some good material. The first song to be released in our “Songs For The Quarantimes” series, “I Drink Bleach” is about just that. Why drink bleach? Because you’re free. Because you’re…
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With the upcoming release of our six-song EP, we were planning on celebrating with a release party. Just a small gathering with a few good friends. Then the coronavirus happened. But we’re not gonna let a little global pandemic get us down! And now we can host a party even larger than before. So join…
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